In the autumn of 2015, I hit a major crossroad in my life. I was in the fall semester of my senior year at The Catholic University of America aspiring to be a missionary for at least a year of service after graduation. In the midst of many applications, however, something within me was not completely settled. What was this strange complexity I experienced? I knew well enough what I wanted to do, yet at the same time, the thought of doing missionary work did not satisfy me in terms of who I knew God wanted me to become.
The honest truth is that I was avoiding a religious vocation I had felt a deep calling to since the time I was 15. Besides the normal sacrifices that accompany entering religious life, there was a particular cross that hovered over my zealous missionary dreams: I would, for the most part, never see the fruits of my apostolic work. That is because I was being called to the contemplative cloistered life as a Discalced Carmelite nun.
Vatican Council II’s document Venite Seorsum states that “by vivifying the entire Mystical Body by the fervor of their love, and by bolstering the various efforts of the apostolate, which are indeed nothing without charity, contemplatives raise the level of the spiritual life of the whole Church.” Since I truly did believe this, what was holding me back?
Perhaps I anticipated the experience of contemplatives who, though joyfully faithful to their life of intercessory prayer and penance, nevertheless often feel the deprivation of never seeing the beautiful results of their undeterred missionary zeal: of one’s student having come to faith in Christ, of a nursing Sister who receives the gratitude of her well-loved patients, of the missionary who thrills in taking the Gospel to far-off lands. Such was the interior crucifixion of St. Thérèse, who felt in her heart the vocation of an apostle, missionary, and martyr, yet discovered in her Little Way the secret of serving God as He desires.
St. John of the Cross teaches that one act of pure love is worth more in God’s sight than all other works put together. I slowly realized that being a missionary disciple is not about what I wanted to do for God, as it was about allowing Him to transform my heart so that I would be willing to love for Love’s sake alone.
A few days before my First Vows, my confessor told me that my religious Profession would purify me of sin to the extent that I was after my baptism “because Profession is an act of perfect charity; it is loving surrender that God desires.” My Profession gave me the key to my vocation: it is God who is on mission in my heart, in and through me.
In closing, I invite you to prayerfully reflect with these questions: do I place more emphasis on what I want to do for God, rather than on developing a love-relationship with Him? Do I know that my life of prayer must be both one of contemplative intimacy alone with God, as well as mission? Do I insist on seeing the fruits of my labors, and if not, grow discouraged? Have I ever considered or studied the cloistered contemplatives’ role in the Church?
Let us remain united in prayer and in mission!
To learn more about vocational discernment, please click here.
To learn more about Carmelite spirituality, please click here.